When something like infertility comes in your life it makes a huge impact. I have written a lot of posts on this topic and this will be my last for a while. When I write about this I am forced to go back in time and think of the memories that I have for such a trying time in my life. I wish that I could tell you that I handled the three years of trying to conceive with grace. I wish I could tell you that it did not have a powerful and sometimes negative impact on my life…but that would be a lie.
What does infertility do to you? I am not sure how it has effected anyone else, but for me…
I definitely was in denial. How could this be? My husband and I were meant to be parents, we loved each other so much, and it just could not be.
I prayed and prayed and prayed….Dear God, if you allow this to happen then I will stop…xyz. You name it, I was willing to give it up just to be called mommy.
How can a woman who hurts her babies be allowed to be a mommy? I would never do that! My goodness did I get angry. I got angry at the news when I heard horror stories of mean women doing horrible things, I got angry at friends who were pregnant, at anyone who asked why I had not had children, and towards people who told me to just take it easy and stop trying….You name the reason and I was mad. I turned into a jealous, angry person and I did not like myself.
When you are going through infertility you really begin to hate your monthly friend. It is like your body is saying…nope not this month and then laughing at you. I have never cried over periods so much in my life. Crying became this annoying thing that I could not stop and had no control over.
At the end of every failed IVF cycle, I had to accept that it just did not happen. I had to accept that this was not the time for me. For some reason it just did not happen. Of course, accepting was the hardest part. Now on to the next month…to the next cycle…to the next day….
My husband and I were facing this together and he was my rock during the dark days. I am happy to say that sometimes I was also his rock. He had his own daily battles and sometimes it got to be too much for him to bare as well. On those days, God gave me the strength to be there for him. We traded places frequently. Even though we had each other sometimes I needed a female’s perspective. For me infertility was a very lonely time. I knew absolutely no one else who had gone through what I was facing every day. I could have gone to a support group, but I did not want to at the time. I was afraid, but I think it would have helped.
When you are trying to get pregnant it seems like everyone around you gets pregnant. You are invited to baby showers that you cannot bare to go to, you are told delivery stories, and you hear complaints about being pregnant. A relative will get pregnant on accident, she did not even want to be a mommy. Your best friend will get pregnant and you still have to talk to her. For some reason stores still have baby sections and they still sell maternity clothes. You cannot avoid them. You might have to go see a baby in the hospital. You might have to smell that baby and feel that warmth in your arms as your friend asks, “Do you want to hold her?” In the end you have to hand babies over back to their mommies. You do not get to take them home. That baby is not yours…even though you desperately wish she was.
Infertility gave me strength I never knew that I had. I learned how to smile face to face with someone when all I wanted to do was cry. I wish that I learned how to be happy for someone who was able to have what I wanted so badly, but that came later.
Today I am a stronger person. I am a better wife and mother. I can help others who are facing the same things I have faced. I am who I am because I faced such a suffering in my life and I am grateful.
When we were struggling with infertility this was the last thing that I wanted to hear. The last thing that I wanted to do was accept that maybe God’s plan for us did not involve a pregnancy that ended in a live birth. During our hardest times we started going to church. I learned about God and grace like I had never before. I started to accept that maybe, just maybe I needed to stop being so angry and to embrace that God had a plan for me and that my plan might not match up with his. My favorite saying is, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.” Handing over my life to Him has not been easy. However, I have faith that things will continue to work themselves out how he has planned. His plan is so much greater and more meaningful than mine.
I can honestly say that I am no longer angry with our situation. I do not second guess God and curse him for giving us this bump in the road. It is still hard and I still have painful memories. I cannot look at pregnant women without my heart aching, but I can talk to women facing infertility and give them hope. I can hold babies and be happy for friends who are blessed with children. I can let a friend cry on my shoulder over a miscarriage and tell her that all hope is not gone. I can buy baby clothes for a friend and go to a baby shower without wanting to vomit.
I have two very funny, beautiful, creative, happy, amazing positive things in my life. My two girls are my miracles. I may not have carried them for 9 months, but they are still the best part of me. If I had not gone through miscarriages and IVF, then they would not be mine. God had those two little girls picked out for us long before we knew it. We just had to do some growing up and soul searching before we could be their parents. I am so thankful that we did.
*All quotations were taken from Pinterest