They call her “The Streak”

“Here she comes, boogity boogity
There she goes, boogity boogity
And she ain’t wearin’ no clothes

Oh, yes, they call her the Streak
boogity boogity
Fastest thing on two feet
boogity boogity”
I know that you have heard this song, The Streak by Ray Stevens. If you have not heard this song then you need to Google it and have yourself a good laugh. Yes, I changed the pronouns from male to female. Why you ask? Well, because I am a female. Oh, so you thought this was about one of my children…if only that were true.

A few months ago I was at a party at my next door neighbor’s house. My neighbor was turning sixty.  I walk in and I notice that I know no one but my next door neighbor. Luckily, she is a good cook, so I was too busy stuffy my face with homemade Chinese food to have the time to worry about meeting people and small talk. My husband and I just were just standing there checking out the place and commenting on the delicious food when my neighbor walked up to us. Behind her was a couple. They looked so familiar. Then it dawned on me that they were the people who lived behind us. The woman was dressed in a black shirt with large multi-color flowers and jeans so tight that she had camel toe. Yes, I said it. I went there. She had camel toe. Now that you have pictured that it in your head I will give you time to recover….

Ok, now that, that is done we can move on.

Her husband was wearing an equally as colorful shirt with Hawaiian print. As expected we have the typical getting to know you small talk. Then she asks about the windows in our house. She wanted to know who had replaced them. We discussed this and then she says, “I wish I could leave my blinds up all the time like you do. You must have a great view. We sure do!”  Mr. Hawaiian shirt stood there with a huge smile on his face. He looked down and kind of blushed.

Wait…what did she mean? She must be talking about the view from her house. Right? Why was he blushing?

“I am going to go get a refill. Do you want one?” I asked my husband with a little nudge.

“Sure,” he replied and we excused ourselves. “That guy was strange. Did you think so?” my husband asked.

“They both were!” I remarked as I walked over to the Crab Rangoon and took a huge bite.

A couple of weeks later my husband and I were sitting by a fire in the backyard of our house. We had just put the kids to bed and were listening to the baby monitor. My husband ran into the house to grab himself a beer as I sat outside watching the glow of the fire. I happened to look up and I could see him walking through the house so clearly. He opened the refrigerator, got himself a beer, walked to the counter, picked up our bird shaped bottle opener, and opened the bottle. This would have been very insignificant, however I could see him so clearly.  All of a sudden I had a flash back to the party, to what flower shirt said…

If I can see him so clearly…then so can the neighbors…then they must be able to see us all of the time…then they have seen me walk through the house….NAKED!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!

A million flashbacks went through my mind. All the times I have walked downstairs naked to get clothes out of the dryer. All the times I have changed clothes in the kitchen (it is right next to my laundry room). All the midnight feedings where I walked downstairs half-dressed to make a bottle and then sat in the living room and fed my daughter.

OH NO! WHAT ABOUT THE FRONT OF MY HOUSE? WHAT ABOUT THE LARGE WINDOW BY THE STAIRS!

I ran to the front of my house. Yes, I can see the entire staircase just as clearly. Yep! I cannot believe it. My entire neighborhood has probably seen me naked. I have walked around this house naked more times than I can count. Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach. My poor neighbors! What a way to introduce myself to the neighborhood.

Then I start to wonder if the neighbors have a code word for me.  I can picture a family driving past my house, the parents yell “The Streak,” and kids know to look down and not towards our house. I am so embarrassed. I never thought about the blinds. I grew up in the country. The only thing that could see my house were cows and chickens. We did not worry about blinds.

Shamefully enough, this song fits my life more than I want to admit. I think I will stick to wearing my oversized, fluffy, grandma robe around the house for now on and I will skip neighbor parties and bar-be-ques until people start to forget, if that is even possible.

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