My Greatest Battle

Emotions…they totally can suck and throw you through a loop. This week has been a mixed bag of emotions. Being that I am a woman, this happens all the time. However, today is a hard day.

This all stems from going to a baby shower last night. I have mentioned before that going to a baby shower was impossible before my babies came along. I avoided them like the plaque and had a running list of excuses as to why I could not attend a friend’s shower. For gifts, I would always buy gift cards that were by the register so I would not have to go to the baby section. Also, I never bought a card because they were always sappy and not something I wanted to read. I have a baby shower routine and survival plan. However, things change and so did my plan.

My heart did not hurt as I prepared for the shower. I was so happy for my pregnant friend. She is a girl that I have known for years but just in the past few months our families have spent more time together. She has two little girls. Her youngest is a day younger than Turkey 1 and they have become such good friends. She is expecting a little boy. I had so much fun buying boy clothes and found the most adorable little shirts and pants. I let the Turkeys pick out a toy for the baby and the shopping had gone smoothly.

I arrived at a shower early and was very ready to be there. Conversation was good and the food was yummy. It was a nice shower. When it was time to open presents her two little girls proudly sat next to their momma and were so well behaved. The little girls sat and rubbed their momma’s belly and the oldest even gave her belly a kiss. This was hard to see. Very hard to see.

I started talking to someone next to me and allowed myself to get distracted. At the end of the party, I drove home happy. God had taken care of my heart. I did not hate this woman for being pregnant, I did not cry one time, I did not have to leave early, and I even had a great time. I listened to delivery stories and shared my brother’s delivery story. I have learned to use this story as a way of being able to join in on these conversations. It is a survival strategy that actually has worked.

Then today happened. I went to a playdate with my girls and I watched them play and be happy. I held Turkey 2’s hand as she went to sleep. Then it got quiet and I started to think…………

God has been so good to me. I live in a neighborhood that I love. I have started to make new friends that I really enjoy spending time with. These are women that love the Lord and serve him faithfully. We have found an amazing church and I have reconnected with old friends. My husband loves me. I have two amazing kids that are my world. Our extended family love us so much and are always there for us. I have a great life.

I thank Jesus for giving me two babies that I did not deserve. He trusted me to be their mommy. He has given me so much…yet my heart still aches. I feel guilty for my feelings. I have two adopted daughters that are amazing. What else do I need? I never want them to think that they were not enough. I need for this longing to be pregnant to go away!

A friend of mine who is in her 80’s told me that she never lost the desire to be pregnant and that she prayed so hard that Charles and I would get pregnant so we would not feel this way.

I do not know what to say…I do not know how to feel…I do not know why I do this…I do not want to cause pain for my girls…I need his hole in my heart to heal and go away…


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