The Monster I call Me

December 12th 2015…I had done more damage to myself, my husband, and loved ones than I wanted to admit. I had lived in severe depression for a year and enough was enough. I was sad, angry and mean. The weekend of the 12th, my mother-in-law and step father-in-law came to our house for a visit. During this time, I had a doctor’s visit scheduled to go talk about my depression. I had recently lost 18 pounds from not eating and being depressed and my family was starting to worry.

I checked in at the doctor, they called me back and I sat in another waiting room. The entire time I was struggling to not cry. I did not want to be there and I hated myself for being the mess that I was. The doctor that I would see was a friend of my husband and that made it all the more awkward. The nurse called me back and said, “Oh ____, how are you. You poor thing. I know that holidays can be hard. How are you holding up?” Forget about the stink eye, I am pretty sure I gave her the look of death. She looked down and started typing after I responded, “How do you think I am?”. All I could think was; why in the world is this woman talking to me in such a tone. I felt like I was being treated like a crazy woman. This was probably because I had felt like a crazy woman for a least three months and I was more than embarrassed at the moment.

The doctor came in and said, “Oh ____, you are here for depression. How are you? Are you holding on? I know how hard it can be?” In a matter of 10 minutes two women helped me feel worse about myself. They managed in talk to me in a gentle tone, almost a whisper, and treated me like cracked crystal. I just wanted to shout from the top of my lungs, “I am fine…just your typical depressed stay-at-home mom! I am home alone all day with two babies, my husband works all of the time, I have no friends anymore because I do not work, and I am exhausted from lack of sleep.”

I left that appointment feeling worse about myself. I left the doctor’s office, drove 5 minutes to my husband’s office, walked in his office, sat in his lap and cried like a baby for 10 minutes from the humiliation of having to admit to someone that I was depressed. I was embarrassed, angry, sad and I felt very alone.

I filled my prescription, took the medicine on an empty stomach, drove home and a few hours later I felt like I may vomit. My MIL and STIL were there and were watching the kids. I was grateful for a break. I was upstairs sewing and started to feel horrible from the medicine and taking it incorrectly. I texted  my husband that I felt bad and he confirmed why. I then laid on the couch and waited for him to come home. I needed him so bad. He was my rock…my comfort…and I had relied on him way to much in the last few weeks. He was then and still is an amazing husband.

My husband came home and gave me something for the nausea and handed me beer. he walked in the kitchen and got something for himself. At this time, my MIL stood next to my husband and said, “You know she is putting on, right?” I wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. He looked at her and simply said, “No, she is not.”

So, skip ahead a year and here I am…. I have been on my medicine for a year and we had a pretty awesome year. I was happy, nice and we had a lot of fun. It probably was the best year that we have had in a long time. Our kids were amazing and we constantly were out making memories. Of course, we had our bad days, but everyone has those. If I forgot my meds for a day or two I would feel myself start to slip back, but I would take them and it would all turn around. Life has been good…

However, this past week and a half I have been weaning off of my medicine and what happens…I am starting to turn back into a monster. I am extremely irritable, I am getting sad, and I do not find joy in the small things like I normally do. Worst of all, my family that I love and adore more than anything is taking my abuse. I am here, typing, crying, and hating myself for that fact that I just released THE MONSTER OF ME on my husband. MY HUSBAND that I love with all of my heart.

I am currently sitting in the office and I can see him working outside and putting up Christmas lights. All I want to do is run outside and tell him that I am sorry, that I love him… But I did this last Sunday as well and I know he does not want to hear another…sorry I suck speech!!!!

Why am I doing this? Why am I coming off my meds? It is simple…so I can do a round of IVF. The medicine is not one that I can take while pregnant. It is that simple…

So, the next time I feel the monster start to swell inside me I know I need to:

  1. take a breath
  2. assess the situation
  3. remember how much love everyone around me and how much I do not want to hurt them
  4. leave the room and cry it out
  5. hide the monster and move on