Feeling Lonely

It is Monday, I just took a HPT and it was negative. I cannot tell anyone because they will get angry and tell me it is too early. However, I know my body and I am not pregnant. I cry in the bathroom until I am out of tears. I clean off my face and go be mommy.

I cannot tell anyone my awful news.

It is Tuesday, I take my kids to gymnastics like always. I just found out that another IVF cycle did not work. I am standing with group of women, two are pregnant and discussing how because they are carrying their third child that this one seems like no big deal.

I am the only one standing there that is struggling with infertility. 

It is Wednesday, I go to my morning bible study like always. There are now 3 pregnant women in my group. One woman just had a baby. There are four women breast-feeding at some point. All have been pregnant.

I am the only one sitting in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Wednesday evening and I am at my home church group. Here I am standing in a group of women. All of them know that I am going through IVF and they are sympathetic and kind. However, they all have carried children. Two that I know of had “oops” children. There are 17 pregnancies among the 6 women standing in the group. Every women there, except me, has experienced being pregnant multiple times.

I am the only one standing in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Friday, I go to get my BETA drawn. I took a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative. I am the only person who knows this and I cannot tell anyone. I still and wait for the call. The call comes and I sit in my bathroom floor and get the news. I just stare out the window for what feels like a lifetime. I know my meltdown is going to happen soon. I do not wan to move…I do not want to call my husband…

I am the only one who is paralyzed by the news…

My new IVF cycle is approaching fast.  I start meds on Friday and I could vomit. I am doing this for my husband…my husband who believes in his whole heart that one day it will happen for us. I want to believe…I will believe…I will have faith…that is all I can do. I am not going to share this with my family. Some are not strong enough to go through this with me. Some do not understand why we keep trying. Some just do not understand my need to be pregnant.

I feel like the only person in the world who is struggling because in my world everyone else got pregnant. 

I love my husband and I know how hard this is on him. I wish we could talk about it but we just can’t. He is not a woman, I am not a man, we are coming from two different angles.

I am feeling very alone!



Sleep Training is a B***h

I love to cuddle. I love to hold my babies and watch them breathe. I love the peaceful look on their faces as they lay next to me sound asleep. I love being a mommy.

These are the best times, however, I also love being married. I love my husband and I love to be in his arms at night and falling asleep with his arm around me. This is something that has not happened in a long time because our baby girl has been sleeping between us for almost a year. Turkey two only sleeps through the night once in a blue moon. She sufferers from, “I want to cuddle next to mommy and daddy all night syndrome.” So, she ends up in our bed every night. We wake up with her kicking our heads or crying for our pillow….

This was fine until…well until it wasn’t. She stopped going to sleep easily, we would have to lay with her for hours until she fell asleep. Her nap time consisted of the two of us taking a nap in my bed everyday. I had to lay next to her for her to stay asleep. This sounds wonderful until I realized that I was getting no time for myself and zero alone time and that was leading to depression.

Also, I was never seeing my husband. One of us would go to bed with her around 8:30-9:00 in the evening.

So…after much thought I decided…we decided…that she needed to be made to sleep in her own bed, by herself, every night….

WOW!!!!!! This is hard….

  1. Every night for a least an hour we are fighting her to get her to stay in her bed and she screams like she is being beaten. She gets out of bed and stands at the top of the stairs screaming.  I walk up, put her to bed, get her to calm down and start to leave. When I leave she follows me or lays there and screams…. This goes on until she wears herself out.
  2. She will fall asleep around 10:00 and she is up at 2:00 am. She cries and comes out of her room. I go put her back, calm her down, and leave her room.
  3. At 3:00, she is still getting out of her room and screaming. By this time I spank her and put her back to bed. An hour is all I can take…
  4. At 3:30, I am about ready to lose it and she finally falls asleep.
  5. At 5:00, she does the same time again…same routine…
  6. 7:30, we are up for the day!

I feel like a total failure as a parent. I feel like a horrible, mean person who is neglecting her child…

Some people in my family keep saying…they are only little once…let her sleep with you…what is the big deal…

The big deal is that to keep a happy marriage, I need time with my husband. I need to see him and talk with him and that is just not happening with our current situation.

Yesterday and today she refused to lay down for a nap and I again had to spank her to keep her in her bed…this sucks!

What should I do? How can I help her?

We tried the all natural sleep medicine…did not help.

The doctor recommended turning the knob around and locking her in her room….just do not know if I can do that to her….

Feeling like a loser of a mother…