Feeling Lonely

It is Monday, I just took a HPT and it was negative. I cannot tell anyone because they will get angry and tell me it is too early. However, I know my body and I am not pregnant. I cry in the bathroom until I am out of tears. I clean off my face and go be mommy.

I cannot tell anyone my awful news.

It is Tuesday, I take my kids to gymnastics like always. I just found out that another IVF cycle did not work. I am standing with group of women, two are pregnant and discussing how because they are carrying their third child that this one seems like no big deal.

I am the only one standing there that is struggling with infertility. 

It is Wednesday, I go to my morning bible study like always. There are now 3 pregnant women in my group. One woman just had a baby. There are four women breast-feeding at some point. All have been pregnant.

I am the only one sitting in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Wednesday evening and I am at my home church group. Here I am standing in a group of women. All of them know that I am going through IVF and they are sympathetic and kind. However, they all have carried children. Two that I know of had “oops” children. There are 17 pregnancies among the 6 women standing in the group. Every women there, except me, has experienced being pregnant multiple times.

I am the only one standing in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Friday, I go to get my BETA drawn. I took a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative. I am the only person who knows this and I cannot tell anyone. I still and wait for the call. The call comes and I sit in my bathroom floor and get the news. I just stare out the window for what feels like a lifetime. I know my meltdown is going to happen soon. I do not wan to move…I do not want to call my husband…

I am the only one who is paralyzed by the news…

My new IVF cycle is approaching fast.  I start meds on Friday and I could vomit. I am doing this for my husband…my husband who believes in his whole heart that one day it will happen for us. I want to believe…I will believe…I will have faith…that is all I can do. I am not going to share this with my family. Some are not strong enough to go through this with me. Some do not understand why we keep trying. Some just do not understand my need to be pregnant.

I feel like the only person in the world who is struggling because in my world everyone else got pregnant. 

I love my husband and I know how hard this is on him. I wish we could talk about it but we just can’t. He is not a woman, I am not a man, we are coming from two different angles.

I am feeling very alone!

 

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Sleep Training is a B***h

I love to cuddle. I love to hold my babies and watch them breathe. I love the peaceful look on their faces as they lay next to me sound asleep. I love being a mommy.

These are the best times, however, I also love being married. I love my husband and I love to be in his arms at night and falling asleep with his arm around me. This is something that has not happened in a long time because our baby girl has been sleeping between us for almost a year. Turkey two only sleeps through the night once in a blue moon. She sufferers from, “I want to cuddle next to mommy and daddy all night syndrome.” So, she ends up in our bed every night. We wake up with her kicking our heads or crying for our pillow….

This was fine until…well until it wasn’t. She stopped going to sleep easily, we would have to lay with her for hours until she fell asleep. Her nap time consisted of the two of us taking a nap in my bed everyday. I had to lay next to her for her to stay asleep. This sounds wonderful until I realized that I was getting no time for myself and zero alone time and that was leading to depression.

Also, I was never seeing my husband. One of us would go to bed with her around 8:30-9:00 in the evening.

So…after much thought I decided…we decided…that she needed to be made to sleep in her own bed, by herself, every night….

WOW!!!!!! This is hard….

  1. Every night for a least an hour we are fighting her to get her to stay in her bed and she screams like she is being beaten. She gets out of bed and stands at the top of the stairs screaming.  I walk up, put her to bed, get her to calm down and start to leave. When I leave she follows me or lays there and screams…. This goes on until she wears herself out.
  2. She will fall asleep around 10:00 and she is up at 2:00 am. She cries and comes out of her room. I go put her back, calm her down, and leave her room.
  3. At 3:00, she is still getting out of her room and screaming. By this time I spank her and put her back to bed. An hour is all I can take…
  4. At 3:30, I am about ready to lose it and she finally falls asleep.
  5. At 5:00, she does the same time again…same routine…
  6. 7:30, we are up for the day!

I feel like a total failure as a parent. I feel like a horrible, mean person who is neglecting her child…

Some people in my family keep saying…they are only little once…let her sleep with you…what is the big deal…

The big deal is that to keep a happy marriage, I need time with my husband. I need to see him and talk with him and that is just not happening with our current situation.

Yesterday and today she refused to lay down for a nap and I again had to spank her to keep her in her bed…this sucks!

What should I do? How can I help her?

We tried the all natural sleep medicine…did not help.

The doctor recommended turning the knob around and locking her in her room….just do not know if I can do that to her….

Feeling like a loser of a mother…

Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! Can you feel it?

I love Valentine’s Day and always have. I have spent the past 18 Valentine’s Days with my man. I have memories of a lot of Valentines days. There were the early years when just the thought of the special day gave me butterflies. We have always celebrated. Then there were the poor college kid years where was always managed to celebrate. The time Charles has a chemistry test on Valentine’s Day,  who does that to college kids? The years apart…I hated those.

When we got married and lived in the same house, Valentine’s Day lost a little shock factor. I got ready in the same room as him and we went to the same old restaurants and  ate the same old things, but I still loved every minute of it.

Now, here we are. 18 years and two kids later and we still try to celebrate one of my favorite holidays. With both kids sick this year we had to stay in and you guessed it…no sitter…no date… However, I was determined to have a good day.

So, the kids and I made cakes that were complete with spittle and snot. Yuck I know…but where you are a mommy you worry about that stuff less. We also decorated the kitchen and we went shopping for some special food.

Oysters, lobster, bison steaks, crispy potatoes with rosemary, and roasted asparagus was on the menu. I was so excited to surprise my husband with a good dinner.

However, as soon as he walks in the door it happens…mass chaos. The kids run to him and beg him to open presents. I stop dinner cooking for a bit and we open presents and cards from family. The kids are so happy. We try to open our presents to one another and then the kids cry because they thought the other wrapped gifts were theirs. So, my husband lets them open his. I open my card and my husband says to me, “I thought the kids would love it.”

We are done and back to dinner I go. I ask my husband if he wants to help me. However, Turkey One starts to throw a fit about the movie that we are not watching and continues to until my husband gives in. I, of course, tell him to not give in to the fit and we of course start to argue. We kiss and make up but Turkey One is still screaming and pouting.

We struggle to cook with demands of something to drink, I need your attention, and so forth. My head is about to explode because I just want to see my husband on Valentine’s Day…a little anyway.

We finally sit down. I have candles on the table, place-mats, a table cover and a cocktail waiting for me. We sit down, say grace, and then it all comes unraveled. Turkey One does not want to eat and Turkey Two spills her drink everywhere. My lobster is not done and his steak is under cooked and both have to go back to the grill.

My husband keeps getting up and down, I am begging kids to eat, and they are not having it. Finally, I give up. I eat, drink, and ignore the chaos around me. We finish up, eat our cakes and then dinner is done. I clean up the kids and then look at a very messy kitchen. I start to clean it up as my husband leaves the kitchen. I am there cleaning alone…as always.

My perfect Valentine’s dinner was mass chaos. I was devastated and now I have a mess to clean. My husband and my kids are just as happy as can be. The fits have stopped. There is paper and boxes in the living room for me to clean up. I do so…like always.

I finally get my house in order and it is time to get the kids in bed. I lay in bed with Turkey Two for over an hour waiting for her to go to sleep. I come downstairs and my husband is still on cloud nine and in the garage. He comes in and wants to know if I want to watch a movie. We do and then go to bed with Turkey Two laying between us fast asleep.

I have to ask myself…what happened?  What just happened?

One day my kids will be gone and it will just be the two of us and then we will miss them. However, now, right now….I miss my husband…

 

 

 

 

Here We Go Again…

I am sitting here in front of a rainy window. I have on my favorite pair of pj pants and my husband’s old shirt. The house feels a little drafty and I am considering going to get a blanket to wrap around my arms. The house is completely quiet and I can hear a mixture of cars and the random police car going down the interstate. My house is net to an interstate and it is kinda loud, but you get used to the noise after a while and start to welcome it like an old friend. It brings you comfort.

It is day 9 post a 3 day transfer and the pregnancy test I took this morning was a negative as negative can be. No hope that a faint line was even possible. I sight of one line is stuck in my head like a bad country song that you happened to hear someone sing in the grocery store.

I am totally heartbroken. My heart hurts so bad because I have to tell my husband again of a failed IVF cycle and he is going to be even more crushed than I am. One of the things that I love about Charles is his positive nature and how he grasps at hope. I am the opposite. My thoughts tend to be negative and I hate false hope. I want things given to me straight! Getting my hopes crushed hurts, so plan for the worst to happen is kinda how I roll.

He did not me to take a test he wanted me to wait for the BETA on the 10th. However, I was so sure it would be positive that I could not wait. I had planned to send him a picture and say, “Surprise!” and pretend that he did not know it was possible.

So, I have to tell everyone I know that knows that we did a round of IVF that it did not work. I have to get all of the sympathy hugs, and hear all of the, “I am so sorry,” and I will be praying for you.

This is why we should not have told anyone. I do not want to have to answer the questions of, “so why,” or “do they know what happened” or “what are you going to do now.”

A sad thing is that I really, really, really thought it would work. I was positive. Things had lined up to work. New doctor, new surgery for Charles that went great, new meds, we only had a few eggs so no OHSS, wonderful retrieval and transfer. This doctor tried every trick in the book and nothing…

I am so used to the words biochemical pregnancy that a negative cycle is foreign to me. What happened to that beautiful little embryo in my uterus. Why did it not implant and why did this not work for us? Why does this never work for us? Why does God not allow me to be pregnant and carry at least one child?

 

Just one time….just one child…is it really that hard Lord????

 

The Two Week Wait

We made it! We made it to egg retrieval, embryo transfer and now to the two-week wait. I am so thankful to have made it this far. Our cycle was pretty painless. My estrogen and follicles grew at a nice pace, I did not have any OHSS issues. I did not knock out of my husband or cause my children to hate me.

My only regret is that we did not make it to a five-day transfer and that we do not have any embryos to freeze.

So, I keep thinking about all the positives and they are as follows:

  1. Since we implanted at day 3 I feel like I get to have my embryos in my belly longer. So, more mommy time with my babies.
  2. I have prayed and read my Bible more than I have in a very long time.
  3. I have gained a closer relationship with Jesus. I have learned more through my reading and I am re-learning what true trust is. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so! And I am in love with Jesus.
  4. I have two babies right now! My two toddlers make me laugh, keep me busy, and give me a lot of snuggles just when I need them.
  5. I believe that God knew that 6 embryos was super overwhelming to me. We implanted two and my husband and friends are sure I will be having twins. I always loved the idea of twins.
  6. My egg retrieval was super smooth and I as in little pain the day of and after.
  7. I got to watch the embryos be implanted on the ultrasound machine. It was so neat to see my little babies come home to momma.
  8. We have the prettiest little embryos that we have ever implanted! That is a huge miracle already!!
  9. I feel at peace most of the time…I am only an emotional mess 10% of the time.
  10. THE FIRST WEEK OF WAITING IS ALMOST OVER!!!! Just 8 more days until BETA number 1!