Here We Go Again…

I am sitting here in front of a rainy window. I have on my favorite pair of pj pants and my husband’s old shirt. The house feels a little drafty and I am considering going to get a blanket to wrap around my arms. The house is completely quiet and I can hear a mixture of cars and the random police car going down the interstate. My house is net to an interstate and it is kinda loud, but you get used to the noise after a while and start to welcome it like an old friend. It brings you comfort.

It is day 9 post a 3 day transfer and the pregnancy test I took this morning was a negative as negative can be. No hope that a faint line was even possible. I sight of one line is stuck in my head like a bad country song that you happened to hear someone sing in the grocery store.

I am totally heartbroken. My heart hurts so bad because I have to tell my husband again of a failed IVF cycle and he is going to be even more crushed than I am. One of the things that I love about Charles is his positive nature and how he grasps at hope. I am the opposite. My thoughts tend to be negative and I hate false hope. I want things given to me straight! Getting my hopes crushed hurts, so plan for the worst to happen is kinda how I roll.

He did not me to take a test he wanted me to wait for the BETA on the 10th. However, I was so sure it would be positive that I could not wait. I had planned to send him a picture and say, “Surprise!” and pretend that he did not know it was possible.

So, I have to tell everyone I know that knows that we did a round of IVF that it did not work. I have to get all of the sympathy hugs, and hear all of the, “I am so sorry,” and I will be praying for you.

This is why we should not have told anyone. I do not want to have to answer the questions of, “so why,” or “do they know what happened” or “what are you going to do now.”

A sad thing is that I really, really, really thought it would work. I was positive. Things had lined up to work. New doctor, new surgery for Charles that went great, new meds, we only had a few eggs so no OHSS, wonderful retrieval and transfer. This doctor tried every trick in the book and nothing…

I am so used to the words biochemical pregnancy that a negative cycle is foreign to me. What happened to that beautiful little embryo in my uterus. Why did it not implant and why did this not work for us? Why does this never work for us? Why does God not allow me to be pregnant and carry at least one child?


Just one time….just one child…is it really that hard Lord????



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