Feeling Lonely

It is Monday, I just took a HPT and it was negative. I cannot tell anyone because they will get angry and tell me it is too early. However, I know my body and I am not pregnant. I cry in the bathroom until I am out of tears. I clean off my face and go be mommy.

I cannot tell anyone my awful news.

It is Tuesday, I take my kids to gymnastics like always. I just found out that another IVF cycle did not work. I am standing with group of women, two are pregnant and discussing how because they are carrying their third child that this one seems like no big deal.

I am the only one standing there that is struggling with infertility. 

It is Wednesday, I go to my morning bible study like always. There are now 3 pregnant women in my group. One woman just had a baby. There are four women breast-feeding at some point. All have been pregnant.

I am the only one sitting in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Wednesday evening and I am at my home church group. Here I am standing in a group of women. All of them know that I am going through IVF and they are sympathetic and kind. However, they all have carried children. Two that I know of had “oops” children. There are 17 pregnancies among the 6 women standing in the group. Every women there, except me, has experienced being pregnant multiple times.

I am the only one standing in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Friday, I go to get my BETA drawn. I took a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative. I am the only person who knows this and I cannot tell anyone. I still and wait for the call. The call comes and I sit in my bathroom floor and get the news. I just stare out the window for what feels like a lifetime. I know my meltdown is going to happen soon. I do not wan to move…I do not want to call my husband…

I am the only one who is paralyzed by the news…

My new IVF cycle is approaching fast.  I start meds on Friday and I could vomit. I am doing this for my husband…my husband who believes in his whole heart that one day it will happen for us. I want to believe…I will believe…I will have faith…that is all I can do. I am not going to share this with my family. Some are not strong enough to go through this with me. Some do not understand why we keep trying. Some just do not understand my need to be pregnant.

I feel like the only person in the world who is struggling because in my world everyone else got pregnant. 

I love my husband and I know how hard this is on him. I wish we could talk about it but we just can’t. He is not a woman, I am not a man, we are coming from two different angles.

I am feeling very alone!

 

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