He Feels IT Too…

Yes, in a world of infertility nothing is ever easy. However, one thing can easily happen and that is getting wrapped up in yourself. This is exactly what I have done…

For the past few weeks, I have been in a world of my own self-loathing. I have focused on my weight gain, my hormones, my..well everything. This has caused me to focus on and hate my body. I have allowed IVF to take control of my thoughts and emotions yet again. I have let it control me and not in a good way.

I am not happy with myself for this. Probably what I am most upset about is that for some reason I felt like I was going through this alone, when in fact my poor husband was also feeling like he has been put in the chock hold by IVF as well.

Yesterday on the way to church, I unloaded my selfish feelings about what has been happening. In short, we tried to do a cycle but my body decided to not have a period after taking birth control pills this month and in turn the cycle will probably be cancelled. I was feeling sorry for myself for having to prolong the shots, hormones, silly diet,and so forth and was not thinking about my partner.

During church, I could feel his struggle to keep it together. It was not until after a very long princess lunch with the girls (we had lunch at a restaurant that had Disney princesses present) that I was able to talk to my husband about his feelings and he had a lot.

He has the same hole in his heart, he struggles with emptiness too, he feels something beyond sadness also, he is angry too, he also feels alone in this awful world where everyone around us is having babies. He feels all of IT too.

So, I listened to my poor baby tell me these things and I held him as he talked. I did not say, “I feel the same way” because I knew that he just needed me to listen. He needed me to be the strong person in this moment.

How could I have missed this? How could I have been so blind? How did this happen?

My husband is a great man. Why were we given this curse? Why can we not just have a baby together? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why…..

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A Busy Mind

The house needs cleaned again, do I play with my kids enough, what is for dinner, will this IVF cycle work, I need to lose weight, how can I be happy again, what is bothering my husband, I really need to get out there and run again, is there a better way to eat while doing IVF, should I exercise, will this period ever start, why does Turkey One yell all the time, why are the kids fighting so much, am I a good mom…and the list goes on.

I find lately that I am so wrapped up in questions and emotions that I am not taking the time to enjoy life. I am going through a cycle were I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act, and just plainly who I am.

I just want to be one of those happy, bouncy women who seem to have to all together. They can have happy, joyful conversations with people and laugh and be happy.

Is it IVF that is doing this to me? Is it the extra 10 pounds that I am carrying around that I HATE every time I look at myself?

I am not sure what it is, but I have been in this downward spiral for months and I need to get out! It effects my relationship with my husband, my kids, and with myself.

I am a Carb Addict!

I can smell it in the air. The smell of fresh baking bread. The yeasty goodness that makes my mouth water! I can visualize teary the bread and I can see the white fluffiness of the inside as it starts to break. The steam starts to dance itself out of warm bread and is inviting me to take a bite.

I reach in the refrigerator for the butter and put a dollop on the bread. It starts to melt and fill in the little gaps inside the bread.

This is what I dream about as I lay in bed at night…eating carbs. It is true and I cannot deny it, I am a carbohydrate addict. I think bread and grains are the main staple to my diet. My food pyramid consists of mostly carbs with sprinkles of protein and veggies.

My typical day starts with a pop tart, for lunch a protein bar and a handful of something like pretzels or crackers, Goldfish as a snack, and then dinner with potatoes, meat and a veggie. Since my husband hates potatoes, you would think this would have changed over the years but it has not.

I have recently…wait for it…gained weight. It is because I have added too much dessert and sometimes candy into my diet. I have started snacking in between snacks. Also, I have not worked out in a very long time. So, I made it a pledge to cut out the added sugar of sweets and sugary drinks in my diet. I have also tried to really limit that amount of starchy carbs. Also, since we are doing IVF I have cut out alcohol , all pop/soda, artificial sweeteners, and caffeine.

I have not cut out carbs totally and I have cheated…but as soon as I start to stimulate it will happen…

  • No cheating
  • No added honey to take the place of sugar
  • No bread or potatoes at all
  • No starchy carbs
  • No oats for breakfast
  • No protein bars covered in chocolate for lunch

I am going through total withdraw and I am feeling like I am going through some type of treatment program for addicts. I really need carbs addict anonymous (CAA) in my life right now. This is hard…I mean really hard.

I dream about carbs, I think about them all day, I see other people eating them and get jealous, and I am unsatisfied with every meal. And if all of this is not bad enough…I have gained 2 pounds. I am not eating less calories but probably more because I am unsatisfied when I eat and I am eating a lot, I mean a lot of protein.

All I have to say is that Panera better stock their shelves! The day of egg retrieval I will be there waiting for the perfect bread bowl, bagel, cookie, and sandwich.