Yes, in a world of infertility nothing is ever easy. However, one thing can easily happen and that is getting wrapped up in yourself. This is exactly what I have done…
For the past few weeks, I have been in a world of my own self-loathing. I have focused on my weight gain, my hormones, my..well everything. This has caused me to focus on and hate my body. I have allowed IVF to take control of my thoughts and emotions yet again. I have let it control me and not in a good way.
I am not happy with myself for this. Probably what I am most upset about is that for some reason I felt like I was going through this alone, when in fact my poor husband was also feeling like he has been put in the chock hold by IVF as well.
Yesterday on the way to church, I unloaded my selfish feelings about what has been happening. In short, we tried to do a cycle but my body decided to not have a period after taking birth control pills this month and in turn the cycle will probably be cancelled. I was feeling sorry for myself for having to prolong the shots, hormones, silly diet,and so forth and was not thinking about my partner.
During church, I could feel his struggle to keep it together. It was not until after a very long princess lunch with the girls (we had lunch at a restaurant that had Disney princesses present) that I was able to talk to my husband about his feelings and he had a lot.
He has the same hole in his heart, he struggles with emptiness too, he feels something beyond sadness also, he is angry too, he also feels alone in this awful world where everyone around us is having babies. He feels all of IT too.
So, I listened to my poor baby tell me these things and I held him as he talked. I did not say, “I feel the same way” because I knew that he just needed me to listen. He needed me to be the strong person in this moment.
How could I have missed this? How could I have been so blind? How did this happen?
My husband is a great man. Why were we given this curse? Why can we not just have a baby together? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why…..