As I sit here in my office, I have a lot to think about. I have a lot of emotion inside that I need to get out or find a way to deal with. Writing is my therapy and it helps to get “it” out there.
We have just completed our second failed cycle this year. It was a hard pill to take. I had so much hope that it would work. I felt like it was the one….the one cycle that would work. I am not sure why? What hurt the most was that my husband felt the same way. He was so excited and sweet. I love that about him. He can take a bad circumstance and have so much hope that it makes me feel like it is going to be okay.
So when it did not work…I was mad at him. I was mad that he aided in my hope and then I was let down. I was so mad at him that I ended up yelling at him for thinking he was always right and for leading me on only to be crushed. This was not fair, but he was the only person I could yell at, so I selfishly did and then had to apologize later. I am still not sure he really understands why I yelled at him that day…that is probably for the best.
I do not know why God will not let me get pregnant. Maybe it is because I am a lousy mom. I do yell at my kids sometimes. I raise my voice and yell even though I promised myself I never would. Here lately, it seems to be more common than not. My emotions and thoughts are everywhere and I have been a bad mom. It is not fair that they have to live with a sad, depressed and emotional wreck of a mother.
I do know that I get very angry at God and then feel very bad about it. He has done so much for me and I am truly blessed. I have two beautiful children, a husband that loves me, a nice house, a vehicle, and means in which to do things I want to do. However, I keep asking for more and more. I am much like a child. I want and want and think I need more to be happy. I am asking and begging God to get pregnant, for a miracle and to help fill the hole I have in my heart that I cannot seem to fill.
I will never understand (well maybe one day when I get to heaven) why God gave us this struggle. Why do we have to live with this when it seems like so many can just have babies so easily? Thinking this, asking this, and even typing this right now makes me cry. I am so sad, confused and angry.
We are going to try again to do IVF. We are going to hope and pray that it works. I am going to try to be happy and ignore the demon inside of me that is angry at the world. My children and my husband need me to be happy, positive, and loving. I will do this for my family. I will fight the demon that is making me feel so down. I WILL fight it every minute of the day and I WILL be who I need to be. I CAN do this…I HAVE TO!
I am scared of IVF. It is the beast that comes into my life and messes everything up. I wish it was the miracle that will bring me a baby. Maybe that is how I need to look at it right now.
I am scared of what IVF does to me and I am afraid that I will be a bad mom when my hormone levels take control.
I am excited that maybe it could work.
I am mad that I have to do IVF, but I am happy that it is an option.
I hate the cost of IVF, but feel blessed that we can pay for it.
I am confused with God right now, but I need to hand my heart over to Him. I need to hand over my life to HIM and let Him do His work in me. I pray that I can open my heart, let go of all of this emotion, and to let HIM in.