Mixed feelings…

As I sit here in my office, I have a lot to think about. I have a lot of emotion inside that I need to get out or find a way to deal with. Writing is my therapy and it helps to get “it” out there.

We have just completed our second failed cycle this year. It was a hard pill to take. I had so much hope that it would work. I felt like it was the one….the one cycle that would work. I am not sure why? What hurt the most was that my husband felt the same way. He was so excited and sweet. I love that about him. He can take a bad circumstance and have so much hope that it makes me feel like it is going to be okay.

So when it did not work…I was mad at him. I was mad that he aided in my hope and then I was let down. I was so mad at him that I ended up yelling at him for thinking he was always right and for leading me on only to be crushed. This was not fair, but he was the only person I could yell at, so I selfishly did and then had to apologize later.  I am still not sure he really understands why I yelled at him that day…that is probably for the best.

I do not know why God will not let me get pregnant. Maybe it is because I am a lousy mom. I do yell at my kids sometimes. I raise my voice and yell even though I promised myself I never would. Here lately, it seems to be more common than not. My emotions and thoughts are everywhere and I have been a bad mom. It is not fair that they have to live with a sad, depressed and emotional wreck of a mother.

I do know that I get very angry at God and then feel very bad about it. He has done so much for me and I am truly blessed. I have two beautiful children, a husband that loves me, a nice house, a vehicle, and means in which to do things I want to do. However, I keep asking for more and more. I am much like a child. I want and want and think I need more to be happy.  I am asking and begging God to get pregnant, for a miracle and to help fill the hole I have in my heart that I cannot seem to fill.

I will never understand (well maybe one day when I get to heaven) why God gave us this struggle. Why do we have to live with this when it seems like so many can just have babies so easily? Thinking this, asking this, and even typing this right now makes me cry. I am so sad, confused and angry.

We are going to try again to do IVF. We are going to hope and pray that it works. I am going to try to be happy and ignore the demon inside of me that is angry at the world. My children and my husband need me to be happy, positive, and loving. I will do this for  my family. I will fight the demon that is making me feel so down. I WILL fight it every minute of the day and I WILL be who I need to be. I CAN do this…I HAVE TO!

I am scared of IVF. It is the beast that comes into my life and messes everything up. I wish it was the miracle that will bring me a baby. Maybe that is how I need to look at it right now.

I am scared of what IVF does to me and I am afraid that I will be a bad mom when  my hormone levels take control.

I am excited that maybe it could work.

I am mad that I have to do IVF, but I am happy that it is an option.

I hate the cost of IVF, but feel blessed that we can pay for it.

I am confused with God right now, but I need to hand my heart over to Him. I need to hand over my life to HIM and let Him do His work in me. I pray that I can open my heart, let go of all of this emotion, and to let HIM in.

 

 

 

 

BETA Day

I feel as if I have an elephant on my chest. It is hard to breathe. It is hard to focus on anything but tomorrow. It is hard to not eat everything that is in this house.

My heart is racing, my hands are shaking, and I am trying my best to slow my breathing.

Tomorrow, I will find out if this IVF cycle has worked or not. I will find out if I am pregnant or if I will again be broken into a million pieces.

My outlook has been different this time. Instead of preparing how to tell people of the negative news, I have daydreamed of sharing positive news with my family. I have thought how I am going to surprise my husband at work with the good news.

I had a dream I was pregnant with triplets. (We transferred three embryos this time.)

I want this so bad that I cannot stand it. I have baby fever more than I have in a long time.

Anytime that I felt anything in my belly I wondered it if could be implantation, or my uterus getting ready to support three babies. I hoped it was not just gas or GI related.

I have prayed and shed a few tears…

One thing that I have not done is take a pregnancy test. This is the first cycle that I ever remember not taking a test. I promised my husband that I would not. Last cycle, I tested early and spent a week crying. I am not sure how I did it other than stay busy.  The weather has been nice so, I was outside a lot and just tried to be busy.

I read the post of the IVF Support Facebook page today and so many people were getting positives. I even found an IVF support for Pregnancy page. This made my heart happy to see so many people have success.

I will close in this…Please, Please, Please God let this have worked. Please let me be pregnant!

 

 

 

 

He Feels IT Too…

Yes, in a world of infertility nothing is ever easy. However, one thing can easily happen and that is getting wrapped up in yourself. This is exactly what I have done…

For the past few weeks, I have been in a world of my own self-loathing. I have focused on my weight gain, my hormones, my..well everything. This has caused me to focus on and hate my body. I have allowed IVF to take control of my thoughts and emotions yet again. I have let it control me and not in a good way.

I am not happy with myself for this. Probably what I am most upset about is that for some reason I felt like I was going through this alone, when in fact my poor husband was also feeling like he has been put in the chock hold by IVF as well.

Yesterday on the way to church, I unloaded my selfish feelings about what has been happening. In short, we tried to do a cycle but my body decided to not have a period after taking birth control pills this month and in turn the cycle will probably be cancelled. I was feeling sorry for myself for having to prolong the shots, hormones, silly diet,and so forth and was not thinking about my partner.

During church, I could feel his struggle to keep it together. It was not until after a very long princess lunch with the girls (we had lunch at a restaurant that had Disney princesses present) that I was able to talk to my husband about his feelings and he had a lot.

He has the same hole in his heart, he struggles with emptiness too, he feels something beyond sadness also, he is angry too, he also feels alone in this awful world where everyone around us is having babies. He feels all of IT too.

So, I listened to my poor baby tell me these things and I held him as he talked. I did not say, “I feel the same way” because I knew that he just needed me to listen. He needed me to be the strong person in this moment.

How could I have missed this? How could I have been so blind? How did this happen?

My husband is a great man. Why were we given this curse? Why can we not just have a baby together? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why…..

A Busy Mind

The house needs cleaned again, do I play with my kids enough, what is for dinner, will this IVF cycle work, I need to lose weight, how can I be happy again, what is bothering my husband, I really need to get out there and run again, is there a better way to eat while doing IVF, should I exercise, will this period ever start, why does Turkey One yell all the time, why are the kids fighting so much, am I a good mom…and the list goes on.

I find lately that I am so wrapped up in questions and emotions that I am not taking the time to enjoy life. I am going through a cycle were I hate the way I look, the way I feel, the way I act, and just plainly who I am.

I just want to be one of those happy, bouncy women who seem to have to all together. They can have happy, joyful conversations with people and laugh and be happy.

Is it IVF that is doing this to me? Is it the extra 10 pounds that I am carrying around that I HATE every time I look at myself?

I am not sure what it is, but I have been in this downward spiral for months and I need to get out! It effects my relationship with my husband, my kids, and with myself.

I am a Carb Addict!

I can smell it in the air. The smell of fresh baking bread. The yeasty goodness that makes my mouth water! I can visualize teary the bread and I can see the white fluffiness of the inside as it starts to break. The steam starts to dance itself out of warm bread and is inviting me to take a bite.

I reach in the refrigerator for the butter and put a dollop on the bread. It starts to melt and fill in the little gaps inside the bread.

This is what I dream about as I lay in bed at night…eating carbs. It is true and I cannot deny it, I am a carbohydrate addict. I think bread and grains are the main staple to my diet. My food pyramid consists of mostly carbs with sprinkles of protein and veggies.

My typical day starts with a pop tart, for lunch a protein bar and a handful of something like pretzels or crackers, Goldfish as a snack, and then dinner with potatoes, meat and a veggie. Since my husband hates potatoes, you would think this would have changed over the years but it has not.

I have recently…wait for it…gained weight. It is because I have added too much dessert and sometimes candy into my diet. I have started snacking in between snacks. Also, I have not worked out in a very long time. So, I made it a pledge to cut out the added sugar of sweets and sugary drinks in my diet. I have also tried to really limit that amount of starchy carbs. Also, since we are doing IVF I have cut out alcohol , all pop/soda, artificial sweeteners, and caffeine.

I have not cut out carbs totally and I have cheated…but as soon as I start to stimulate it will happen…

  • No cheating
  • No added honey to take the place of sugar
  • No bread or potatoes at all
  • No starchy carbs
  • No oats for breakfast
  • No protein bars covered in chocolate for lunch

I am going through total withdraw and I am feeling like I am going through some type of treatment program for addicts. I really need carbs addict anonymous (CAA) in my life right now. This is hard…I mean really hard.

I dream about carbs, I think about them all day, I see other people eating them and get jealous, and I am unsatisfied with every meal. And if all of this is not bad enough…I have gained 2 pounds. I am not eating less calories but probably more because I am unsatisfied when I eat and I am eating a lot, I mean a lot of protein.

All I have to say is that Panera better stock their shelves! The day of egg retrieval I will be there waiting for the perfect bread bowl, bagel, cookie, and sandwich.

 

Feeling Lonely

It is Monday, I just took a HPT and it was negative. I cannot tell anyone because they will get angry and tell me it is too early. However, I know my body and I am not pregnant. I cry in the bathroom until I am out of tears. I clean off my face and go be mommy.

I cannot tell anyone my awful news.

It is Tuesday, I take my kids to gymnastics like always. I just found out that another IVF cycle did not work. I am standing with group of women, two are pregnant and discussing how because they are carrying their third child that this one seems like no big deal.

I am the only one standing there that is struggling with infertility. 

It is Wednesday, I go to my morning bible study like always. There are now 3 pregnant women in my group. One woman just had a baby. There are four women breast-feeding at some point. All have been pregnant.

I am the only one sitting in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Wednesday evening and I am at my home church group. Here I am standing in a group of women. All of them know that I am going through IVF and they are sympathetic and kind. However, they all have carried children. Two that I know of had “oops” children. There are 17 pregnancies among the 6 women standing in the group. Every women there, except me, has experienced being pregnant multiple times.

I am the only one standing in the circle that is struggling with infertility.

It is Friday, I go to get my BETA drawn. I took a pregnancy test in the morning and it was negative. I am the only person who knows this and I cannot tell anyone. I still and wait for the call. The call comes and I sit in my bathroom floor and get the news. I just stare out the window for what feels like a lifetime. I know my meltdown is going to happen soon. I do not wan to move…I do not want to call my husband…

I am the only one who is paralyzed by the news…

My new IVF cycle is approaching fast.  I start meds on Friday and I could vomit. I am doing this for my husband…my husband who believes in his whole heart that one day it will happen for us. I want to believe…I will believe…I will have faith…that is all I can do. I am not going to share this with my family. Some are not strong enough to go through this with me. Some do not understand why we keep trying. Some just do not understand my need to be pregnant.

I feel like the only person in the world who is struggling because in my world everyone else got pregnant. 

I love my husband and I know how hard this is on him. I wish we could talk about it but we just can’t. He is not a woman, I am not a man, we are coming from two different angles.

I am feeling very alone!